Megan called last night, while she was driving home from picking up Ryan at the half-way point between her home and his so he could stay with her during spring break. They wanted to know what their Mom's dream car was. I told them, the little BMW convertible or the Saturn Skye were the two she really loved. When we hung up I was hit with such sadness.
Megan is Beth's daughter, Beth and I were pregnant together and Megan was born nearly one month to the day before my son Zach. Zach and Meg grew up together. Meg is now 25 years old, soon to be 26. Ryan, her brother, is now 15. Zach died January 23rd, 2004, Beth died July 2 of last year. She had a stealth aortic aneurysm that decided to rupture while she and Ryan were at the mall one Sunday afternoon.
Beth was my best friend, but more than that, she held memory with me. She knew Zach from before the day he was born. She remembered all the little stories, all the things I did and didn't. Beth remembered with me and when she was away from me. Those memories, the funny (and some not so funny) little stories...they are what is most precious to me. When you lose your child (or anyone you love dearly) you want nothing more than for him to be remembered, not forgotten, but kept alive in memory and story and laughter and love. That is all there is now.
After Meg and Ryan called, I realized I am now that for them, the holder of memory, of years and years of shared history. The person who will know the answer to "what was the dream car Mom wanted" and probably many other questions to come.
When I first saw Megan before Zach's funeral, she hugged me for a long time and we cried, and she whispered in my ear "I will have your grandchildren for you." It brings tears to my eyes whenever I think of her saying that. With all her heart she meant it. So my job is to be her children's grandmother, to tell them the stories of their grandmother Beth. Not what I expected.
Now I am the holder of memory and it is the very least I can do for my friend.
3 comments:
What a beautiful post. Its so wonderful that you are there to hold the memories for your friends children, you are their link to their mom and thats an amazing gift to be able to give them. Just like you are the stand in for their mom, perhaps Beth is now standing in for you with Zach where they are together.
I am sure you will be a fantastic grandmother to their kids. And remember, its a grandmothers prerogative to spoil, spoil, spoil.
Yep, I figure it is just that way, I have Meg and Ryan and Beth has Zach. I just didn't realize, until they called, exactly what my job was going to be. Now I know for sure and it's good. --Bon
Bon, what a beautiful post and how wonderful to have a tangible way to express your love for both Zach and Beth, and give Meg and Ryan both what they need too.
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