that day again

Robert Fulghum:
"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death."

My friend Claire left that quote for me last year, and I think it really is true.

I say it's that day again, and it is. But you know, it is that day every day. There isn't a day when I don't think of Zach, when I don't miss him. I don't believe there ever will be. Every day something reminds me of him, something makes me long for a different outcome. Its just the way it is.

Today is five years and it still feels the same...

"Call on God, but row away from the rocks."

Yeah. I was listening to some random thing on tv and working hard to get through the federal application system before a Saturday deadline when the news popped in with a plane in the Hudson.

Part of what I was thinking was about how the people of New York City must have felt as they witnessed that sight or heard that sound. The other part was how absolutely, without question, I am not a sheep. I am a sheepdog.

I have traveled a great deal over the course of my career and my life, almost always by plane. There is never a time that I settle in my seat (which I have always chosen to be in the front of the plane or by the wings)without knowing which direction and how many seat backs are between me and the exits, without sizing up where are the children, the elderly, who will need assistance, without having put my little tiny travel purse through the loops of my jeans so that it stays attached to my body and not in my backpack which WILL be left behind. I wear jeans when I fly and I have actually shown up at board meetings in some "other" city, wearing jeans and boots because my plane was late and I refuse to travel in heels and a skirt and insist on wearing cotton and sensible shoes. Yep, I actually do all these things when I fly. Nobody knows it but me, and now you. I suppose I have always thought of how much fun would be made of me if people knew I did this ritual getting on a plane.

The flight attendants, they aren't there to give you coffee or a coke or pretzels, they really aren't. They are there for just this reason, to bark orders at you to do the right thing at the right time so the odds of your survival in an emergency go up. The crew in the cockpit, all those hours of training, all that experience. Sometimes I will laugh to myself when we have a particularly hard or short landing and think "this guy flew for the Navy" and all the while I am grateful for their experience.

Those people all lived. Part of that was luck, but luck IS made and that crew, and particularly that captain, are sheepdogs.

The other thing I thought and Lisa said, was how wonderful it must have been for the first responders to be able to successfully rescue people, scared, cold and grateful people. That had to be good for them.

I'm not afraid of flying, I just like to have all the tools I can at my disposal for "just in case".

random thoughts...

Well I'm grown up, now what do I want to be?

I call it the "financial debacle" really I should call it something else but I can't find words other than things like "sea of dishonest idiots" or "stupid greedy asshats" Yeah, you can tell I'm not impressed. :)

So I'm going back to work and this is going to be a good thing in the long run. It will get me back out into the regular world and maybe I can have a social life and some local friends. The thing is, what am I going to actually DO?

I haven't worked in ten years so there is a LOT in my field that I have no clue about. I have a BA in accounting and economics and an MBA in finance and marketing. I'm really good at being a number cruncher but I don't want to. I never have really wanted to, I just took that path because I wanted to be always able to support Zach. Really I'm a social worker kind of person or an animal/nature kind of person. I've always found ways to work in those environments and now I'm going to do that again. I hope.

I had my own consulting business after failing miserably at being happy in a job as comptroller of a manufacturing company. I sold that business after ten years of working long days and constant travel so that I could be more available for Zach during his high school years. That really meant keep his ass in line and on track and out of trouble during a time I felt was particularly dangerous and not miss every single soccer and lacrosse game because I was in Washington DC or somewhere being pissed off by politicians and trying to change the world. :)

During Zach's high school years I worked at a national wildlife refuge for its non-profit friends group. THAT was my favorite job. I'm hoping to go back to something like that.

I'm blessed to be good at lots of things but that is also a curse. You have to figure out what thing you want to do. If I'm going back to work it needs to be something I actually want to do. Lots of thinking before applying.

It's all scary. I'm working on getting over that and poor you guys, you get to listen to my willy-nilly thoughts...now I'll go back to working on gathering references and re-writing my ancient resume. UGH

Playing catch up

I'll try not to be too long-winded.

LT Dan and I had our first official anniversary, October 1, but for me October 2 was the more important day. That was the day he didn't die from the pulmonary embolism. LT Dan made reservations at a nice restaurant that we had looked at before (this is WAY out of character for him btw) and the Georgia weather was perfect. We ate a great dinner and dessert on the patio and drank mojitos and really had the perfect anniversary celebration.

We also found out the Army really did permanently break LT Dan and began the Medical Board process. I can't say much about that except that it really is the suck. It is so many things...hard to swallow, disappointment, anxiety, uncertainty and lastly LONG. Somewhere along the way I'll post about that at least in a personal way, though I can't really say much about the official part of the process. Say a little prayer for us would you? And please can I stay in what Susan called "the club" because I think without that connection I might really lose my mind.

I'm skipping the election on purpose, though I am glad so many people actually participated.

Thanksgiving was not our normal one, but we had a nice weekend still. I went up to The Cave and got all the yummy wonderful things for dinner, just modified a bit for two people. A turkey breast, sweet potato cassarole (addictive stuff that is), sausage apple stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry stuff, and pumpkin pie. We ate varieties of Thanksgiving the entire four day weekend! It was pleasant and we did nothing much. I like it much better when he comes to The Sunny Place and we have family here.

December the financial debacle came home to roost and I found out my income for 2009 went down the toilet. While I have much to say on that topic, I'll just say that so I don't degenerate into paragraphs of bad words. So now, while I don't know if we are in the Army or out, have health insurance or not, living here or living there...I have to find a job. I haven't really worked in ten years, I have no idea what I'm going to do and I'm not even sure there will be a job for me to GET. This whole idea is wonderful on the one hand and terrifying on the other. You will no doubt be hearing more about this one too because I just know I'm going to need some encouragement along the way.

k that about brings me to another post about December and holidays :) I sorta caught up.

A long time ago...

I had a birthday. The birthday wasn't so bad, but certainly it was down hill from there. The national financial debacle began, my husband began the medical board process, my Dad forgot who I was. Then suddenly it was Zach's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas, and now it's January.

The four months starting in October with Zach's birthday and ending in January with the day he died are the hardest of the year for me. I try really hard to focus on what I have and not what I don't, but it really is difficult. This year it was just overwhelming. I have no idea why, it just was. I sank like a stone. I think it was Lee Anne who once said when things go wrong for her she retreats inside herself and hides. I did that. I wasn't talking here because I could not for the life of me find anything I wanted to say that had even a glimmer of hope in it.

I'm coming out of my little hidey-hole now and will be making random comments on your blog posts that I should have done when I read the post and didn't. I'm sorry for that. I actually was reading, just not being responsive. So here I come and then I'll blab some more in yet another post. I might actually try being true to blogging even, especially if I can take a lesson from Loqi and actually open up and talk about it!

Kelly Rose Got Married

So right shortly after Lt Dan left the sunny place Lisa and I left the sunny place for Maine and Kelly's wedding. Now I guess I need to say who Kelly Rose is -- she's my Kelly girl, and she was my son Zach's girl and best friend for a very long time. I am reasonably sure, that Kelly was "the one." Zach told me she was, and I think that marriage is where they would have ended up had Zach's story not ended so abruptly. Kelly was the one who made Zach look "for the next right thing to do." She is a very special and charming young lady.

I wouldn't have missed the wedding for the world and I am so happy and glad for Kelly and her husband. Still, it was a milestone for me and a bittersweet one at that. Returning to Maine, to all the places and spaces that we had been with Zach, driving the same roads, seeing our old house. Phew. Then watching Kelly being escorted by her Dad, I am so proud of me for holding it together and not sobbing or anything awful. Lisa was a big help in keeping me focused on the joy.

Some observations...damn we drove a long way to just go to the grocery store or ANYTHING. LOL I guess when you live there you don't realize that you live on a mountaintop in the boonies until you return and see just how far it is! The other thing is -- when we moved our old neighbors kept in touch for a long while. They did not especially like the people who bought our house because they had chickens...chickens running around loose chickens. I don't know, chickens are ok with me, but anyway. So when we were at the wedding someone told us that the people who bought our house have alpacas. I didn't even know what an alpaca WAS. Yeah, I looked it up. We went by, and sure enough...alpacas. I guess the barn and pastures weren't enough so they fenced the beautiful front and side yards for the alpacas too. *blink* Ahhh well, to each his own I guess.

There was one funny Zach story from the wedding reception too. Kelly's Mom made sure we were sitting with people I knew and who knew Zach. There was a young man and his wife and his mother that were seated with us who knew Zach very well. I didn't really know this particular kid, he didn't hang out at our house. Anyway, when they figure out I am "Zach's Mom" (funny how that never really goes away even when Zach has, I am still and always Zach's Mom) his Mom says "OMG your son is the one who lent Andrew his ID so he could go get a tattoo when he wasn't 18!" I just had to laugh. That sounds exactly like Zach. Mostly harmless stuff...but still, always something. So apparently Andrew was going into the military as well and using Zach's ID he went and got himself a Marine Bulldog. I guess Kelly was furious with Zach for lending Andrew his ID. Andrew's Mom was none too thrilled either. It ends up Andrew didn't go into the Marines, rather he went into the Air Force...complete with his Marine Bulldog tattoo. Compliments of my child and unbeknownst to me. Yep...perfect Zach story.

A lot of the trip to Maine was an adventure. I drove more miles in severe thunderstorms than I do here at home in the land of thunderstorms. I actually had to pull off the 95 one time because it was hailing and blowing tree branches and I couldn't see...that is actually a first, never had to do that before. Then the radio goes into emergency broadcast mode and tells us we're pulled off the side of the road for a tornado. Of all things, in Maine, a tornado. Ok fine.

Lisa and I stayed at a couple of really great hotels and watched thunderstorms from our balcony on a cliff overlooking the Atlantic and that was just killer. Then she went off to Quebec for a month and here I am, at the sunny place again blabbing away.

OK June is better

I've been noticeably silent. I know. Sometimes, when you can't say anything nice, or in my case, good or positive. No words is a better option.

About Memorial Day. I really like this post. Primarily for the quote from the tombstone. "Remember Me and Not My Fate" Yeah. That's a much better thing and once I focused on that I started pulling myself up and out of my little yucky melt down.

More help followed from Trying's place, here and here. She's so good, that girl. Anyone lucky enough to be her friend and hang out with her and go visit the cows is very lucky. One more, there is Claire of the Hooah Family. Claire has turned into such a good and positive part of my life. I just need to say thank you, you have no idea how you both helped me regain perspective and find my center. Maybe prayer, maybe insight, maybe sharing, simply caring. No idea, but thank you from the bottom of my heart.

We now return to our regularly (or maybe not so much) scheduled programming. Carry on :)

A Quart of Milk

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.--Northern Exposure, Three Doctors, 1993

My Dad's mind has gone out for a quart of milk and I'm thinking it's not coming back. This is difficult. It is yet another lesson in acceptance (have I mentioned I'm really tired of these?). My Dad has written and published I think four books, maybe five, he's been a soldier, an engineer, a painter, a master bird carver, a teacher, a furniture builder, a civil war historian, an author. He always said for his next project he would write a concerto, simply because it was one of the things he hadn't done. Dad played piano by ear, he didn't read music, I'm not sure how he would have written this concerto, but probably he would have taught himself how to read music and done it--he was just that kind of guy.

Dad still remembers me, he amazes me in conversation once in a while by remembering exactly when I was born and when his father died, but not remembering his sisters who visited. Our last conversation we talked about Easter Sunday when my brother and his wife and the wonderful little grandson were coming. Except...he couldn't remember who it was that was coming, just "alot of people, which means a big day." He can't remember words, words were his best friend. I credit my love of reading to my Dad, and now he can't remember lots and lots of words. Or what time it is, or how to get home if he goes too far walking the dog (she brings him home he says and she probably does), he can't drive any more or work in his woodworking shop.

His sense of humor is intact, and there are other things that are very "Dad-like" but I know I am experiencing the long goodbye. So counting blessings of what is still there, accepting what is, that is the mission for me. I don't have to like it though, nobody said that.

Have a magical day!

Oh. My. God. If I hear "Have a magical day!" one more time I swear I will just cry. My brother and his family, along with my Mom are visiting Disney. Yesterday was Mom's 70th birthday. My sister, Lisa and I were supposed to be there but we're not. The best laid plans and all. Lisa disintegrated a tooth that was supposed to be pulled next week. So yesterday we were at the dentist, not at Disney World. A new dentist, the regular dentist is where dentists are on Spring Break--probably at Disney with my family. *chuckle* So we get to the new dentist and we fill out all the papers.

Mind you, Lisa does not like the dentist. Not even a little bit and she's also prone to hysteria if there is a hint that pain will be involved. Our dentist makes her take Valium before she comes to his office for major procedures--he gives her no choice even though we are not drug doing people and she would really rather NOT take this drug prior to her dentist visit. That also requires that she have a chauffeur to and from the dentist--me. But I digress.

So we fill out the new dentist papers, she troops in to have her tooth pulled, whereupon the new dentist says "What? you took Valium on the orders of your other dentist? I can't pull your tooth you are under the influence of a drug and your consent is not valid." They call me in from the parking lot where I am reading a book and waiting. I say, well I have a medical power of attorney, I can sign, you pull the tooth, I go home and fax it to you, it's all good. No. She can come back tomorrow and not take Valium until she signs the consent. I hate the new dentist.

So we did not go to Disney for Mom's 70th birthday celebration (which I hear was magical) and we did not go today either. We are going tomorrow. My eye. Meanwhile I am calling about every half hour all last evening in order to update Mom and to wish her Happy Birthday. Every time I call the last thing the operator says is "Have a magical day!"

This day, and yesterday were not so magical really...please stop wishing me a magical day, ok? Just stop.

Friendship and Memory

Megan called last night, while she was driving home from picking up Ryan at the half-way point between her home and his so he could stay with her during spring break. They wanted to know what their Mom's dream car was. I told them, the little BMW convertible or the Saturn Skye were the two she really loved. When we hung up I was hit with such sadness.

Megan is Beth's daughter, Beth and I were pregnant together and Megan was born nearly one month to the day before my son Zach. Zach and Meg grew up together. Meg is now 25 years old, soon to be 26. Ryan, her brother, is now 15. Zach died January 23rd, 2004, Beth died July 2 of last year. She had a stealth aortic aneurysm that decided to rupture while she and Ryan were at the mall one Sunday afternoon.

Beth was my best friend, but more than that, she held memory with me. She knew Zach from before the day he was born. She remembered all the little stories, all the things I did and didn't. Beth remembered with me and when she was away from me. Those memories, the funny (and some not so funny) little stories...they are what is most precious to me. When you lose your child (or anyone you love dearly) you want nothing more than for him to be remembered, not forgotten, but kept alive in memory and story and laughter and love. That is all there is now.

After Meg and Ryan called, I realized I am now that for them, the holder of memory, of years and years of shared history. The person who will know the answer to "what was the dream car Mom wanted" and probably many other questions to come.

When I first saw Megan before Zach's funeral, she hugged me for a long time and we cried, and she whispered in my ear "I will have your grandchildren for you." It brings tears to my eyes whenever I think of her saying that. With all her heart she meant it. So my job is to be her children's grandmother, to tell them the stories of their grandmother Beth. Not what I expected.

Now I am the holder of memory and it is the very least I can do for my friend.

Binkys and Blankys and such

I was reading over at Trying's place about Pacifier Rehab and it got me to remembering so I thought I'd tell what I was remembering.

I was the kind of parent who always wanted the truth. You could get in a whole lot less trouble if you just told me the truth as opposed to trying to cover up whatever it was you did with a web of (badly told) lies. So every once in a while Zach would get in my face and tease me about how I LIED TO HIM, about how I damaged him FOREVER with these LIES. *chuckle* Add to that the blame I took for the fact that Zach always got sleepy in cars--he had colic and for a couple of months driving in the car was the only peace I got from screaming between the hours of 4pm and 4am. But I digress. This teasing was always done with huge amounts of humor and love, it was fun and of course I had NO defense, I did lie.

I lied when I said we left his binky (pacifier) at Aunty's house far away and we would just have to get used to going to sleep without binky because we couldn't get another one. Rinse, repeat -- we're talking to a toddler remember. This made for a difficult week or so, but eventually with extra story time and hugs in the rocker from Mom we got through it. I still have that damn binky, stashed away in two footlockers of Zach stuff, along with blanky (there are some things one just must KEEP.) Of course we still had blanky...

I also lied when we "accidentally" left blanky at Aunty's as well three years later. Zach had this blanky, he'd had it since he was born. White, soft, wide ribbon trimmed blanket. Yeah. The healer of all hurts, the car quieter, the nap partner, the I'm sick buddy, and there was no having a story and going to bed without this blanket. Blanky traveled everywhere and trips would be halted and returns to home made if blanky was somehow *gasp* forgotten. Well blanky went to pre-school where Zach went while I was in college full time, but when it came time to go to kindergarten blanky couldn't go and needed to ummm "disappear." By this time, poor blanky was just a shred of his former self. Mostly small swatches of the original soft material and just a bit of ribbon trim left and so he stays now with binky, full of memories.

The third lie was about peas. I hate peas. I really hate peas. Well, ok maybe fresh peas like in Chinese food I will eat (plus there's just some peas, not a whole pile and other things are there to disguise them), but not canned peas. No. Never. I can't even OPEN a can of peas without holding my breath, the smell is nauseating. I was trying to be a good mother. I didn't want to pass my prejudice about peas on to my child. Sooo....I always loved my peas so much I ate them in the kitchen while I was cooking them. I just couldn't WAIT until dinner to eat my peas. I lied. Zach believed me too, and he thought peas were great. Ugh.

Ahhh the things we do to be good parents. Hang in there Mom's, they will turn out just fine because you are paying attention. I promise.

Vacation!

I'll be gone for a couple of weeks. Normally this would not be such a big deal, but my sister Lisa is turning 40 on February 1st and so, this is a big deal! We've been planning this trip for a couple of years now, we had to save many pennies, and we're both very ready. We're going to One & Only Ocean Club in the Bahamas and while she's excited about things like food and 24 hour butlers, I'm excited about the gardens and going sailing. I love sailing, of all things, even scuba diving, sailing is my favorite. She's excited about sailing too, if I don't say that I will get an angry comment I'm sure.

Today is all about getting a haircut, laying out a zillion articles of clothing and figuring out how to pack them all. It wasn't a good day when the angry bee appeared because I also realized most of my nice clothes were also not going to fit. *cry* Dresses do, dresses are good! I did spend an entire day shopping (I was chained to my sister who forced me to shop). I hate shopping. Shopping is not my friend. I am a kamikaze shopper, I go I get what I want, I leave, I'm done. Or I buy it on the interweb ;) I got blisters and she wouldn't feed me until I picked out some clothes. She said this was all "pay back" HRRMM Did I say I hate shopping? Another thing I hate, at least right now, is three way mirrors. We won't go there right now.

I'm not taking a laptop, I don't know if my phone will work (probably not) and even LT Dan says this is all a good thing, I need a vacation. I will miss him - even though we can't be together all the time we talk all the time so that part is going to be very strange. It's less time than some of his field things though so I'll survive.

When I come home I'm going to learn about making my blog "prettier" and see if I can't add some photo things and some other things. Not too many people read this, but some do so I'll try and show more of who I am and what I do. Carry on!

Edit: Wait, I forgot to tell you, I'm taking these books, one I'm already reading Here on Earth, and the other I keep seeing women at airports and at the beach with so I decided on a whim at the bookstore to give Eat, Pray, Love a try. I'll let you know.

thoughts from an angry bee

WHO messed with my jeans??!! I just put a pair of jeans on, and guess what, they don’t fit. They are too tight, uncomfortable and just generally VERY annoying. So off I go to my dresser and proceed to try on all jeans which are all too tight and uncomfortable and just generally annoying. I am not saying the cuss words I am thinking because you guys like me and talking like an Infantryman probably won’t do any good. Fortunately I kept the jeans that these jeans replaced so now I’m wearing the jeans that were in a stack on the closet floor waiting for me to decide about what to do with them. *mutter grumble mutter* This doesn’t bode well for trying on my swimsuit which I haven’t worn in a while or the other more “dress up” clothes I have to try on because I need to plan clothes for Lisa’s birthday trip….which we leave for on Saturday and omg what if ALL my clothes are this way and someone has messed with them ALL?! It appears that the *you ate all that crap over the holidays gremlin* has arrived and messed up all my clothes. I could cry but I’ll settle for stomping around.

Did I say that I don’t like this adulthood thing? Well I don’t. I don’t like worrying about my Mother. Nobody told me I was going to grow up and end up worrying about my Mom. Is this like pay back for when I made my Mom worry about me all that time? Well, it sucks. She’s had all these damned tests and they still haven’t found the cancer which they say they know is there because the blood tests and the bone breakage say so. So WHERE IS IT. Frustrating. If it’s frustrating for me I can only imagine how she must feel and there isn’t one thing I can really do about it. Plus, while they aren’t FINDING it they aren’t TREATING it which annoys me no end. Meanwhile my Mom is calmly warning me that depending on the outcome she may decide to do nothing because doing something could be worse for her quality of life than doing nothing. Because, she says, it is her choice after all. Yeah. I don’t like it. Not one bit, nope. So…more stomping around.

Are you sick of politics yet? I am. Oh so sick of it. We need a new President so fine, but still, I want to punch a politician, any politician will do. And this is only January. Heaven help me.

Ok I think that’s all the angry bee thoughts. I’ll try to behave better in the next post?

Conversations

"Looks like a tornado came through here"

"I imagine so, you have things all over the place?"

"Except the things I'm trying to keep track of. Those are in good shape. "

"Well once those things go out then the rest can get a little more orderly."

"See, from where I'm sitting right now, I don't have the highest of hopes. If it was under, near by, behind, next to, or in any other way remotely related to a piece of my TA-50 -- it kinda just got.. discarded randomly to "some other place not where my TA-50 is. Tornado."

"We have extra blue bin things, we can fix it."

"I also have this cool collection of upside down canteens going on propped against the arm of the sofa balancing on the edge of the ottoman. I'm going to be kinda sorry to see that go."

"Well, you could take a picture."

"I also might have to turn on the heat. that or add a kevlar chin strap and webbing to the already stunning brass decor of our chandelier for about 36 hours. They don't seem to want to dry."

"Perhaps you should hang the kevlar and webbing on the chandelier AND turn the heat on."

"Well see. there's an issue with the chin strap. I couldn't get it off the kevlar (it went through the dishwasher)"

"Ummm"

"I'm not sure it would be good to hang the whole helmet from the fixture."

"Try the shower curtain rod?"

"I seriously doubt that's as sturdy as the light fixture."

"Why do I have this feeling nothing smells good at home right now?"

Christmas Assimilation

We traveled for the Christmas holiday. The Midwest is cold. I knew this. I moved for a reason. It was really fun to be there and have woobe my shearling coat. It goes to my ankles and when I put the hood up I look like a little tiny monk or something. Travel actually went well. We shipped the presents ahead and they arrived all in one piece. We were delayed three hours in Houston (not bad at all compared to other places) and got to sit and watch the perfect family and the not so perfect family with bronchitis boy. The perfect family had three children, two girls and a boy, all young grade schoolers. The parents traded off, each child was rotating through a parent lap, playing on his or her own, and chatting along with the full attention of the parent--amazing. Suddenly Dad gets up and says "I need ice cream, who is going with me?!" Nice. Of course when they returned with ice cream Lt Dan wanted to steal the little boy's ice cream, saying "well, he's not EATING HIS!" Oh my.

The not so perfect family had a maybe six year old and bronchitis boy who was 16-18 months. Six year old is running all over the airport being obnoxious, more especially to this other six year old who had a toy he wanted to play with. Dad is standing waaay over there by the window doing nothing about anything. Mom is trying to contain screaming bronchitis boy in her lap and control the six year old all the while giving Dad dirty looks. It wasn't pretty. Of course not so perfect family is on our plane. Better yet, Dad and obnoxious child are in the seats in front of us, Mom and bronchitis boy are in the seat behind me. Perfect. The flight was three hours, bronchitis boy screamed, kicked my seat, beat his head on my seat nearly the entire time. Poor thing probably couldn't clear his ears and I imagine it hurt. Lt Dan slept through the whole thing while I practiced my compassion and understanding skills HARD.

I was assimilated. Yep. I am now part of the family I guess. Or at least as much as could be. We really had a very good time at my in-laws, I enjoyed it far more than I expected to. Really it was just a wonderful pleasant trip. I did my best to find my "place" and do what I could do to help with all the dinners and work generated by our visit and the holiday. I hope I did well, this was my first experience with the family since we were married. Lt Dan was awesome and full of surprises. The little things mean so much. Bringing me coffee in the morning so I could wake up in a somewhat normal way for me, coming to find me and give me a hug if I disappeared too long, just lots of little things that were unexpected and very special.

We made the trip to our trusted jewelry store the very next morning after we arrived, first thing when they opened. There is a whole wedding ring saga story but I'll skip that for now, suffice it to say the first one didn't work out, it kept trying to lose bits of itself until we finally asked for our money back. Lt Dan promised me it wasn't an omen! We had designed my wedding ring already on line but I was sure we were not going to be able to get it what with the holidays and such. The salesman brought the rings we had chosen and then we needed to pick the diamond for the engagement ring. Lt Dan was not happy with the size of the diamond we initially chose so while I was in the ladies room he told the salesman his budget and a much bigger diamond appeared. Wow. My rings are just so lovely and I am dazzled by them. Lt Dan strikes again when you least expect it. Gotta love him.

We did get to spend a few days before and a few days after here at home in the Sunny Place. That was the most wonderful thing for both of us I think. This is the first extended period of time we have gotten to spend in the Sunny Place house and it just felt so good. We did our New Year's Day walk on the beach, I took him to the Greek place for gyros and mimosas and we walked around a bay side neighborhood looking at houses and dream shopping. I was amazed he could do that walk and worried so much about his leg while we were doing it but we had a wonderful time. Happy New Year.

We travelled back to The Cave (that would be the apartment we have where Lt Dan is currently stationed) on the 2nd and signed in from leave. Spent the weekend together and now here I am, back at the Sunny Place getting ready to go to the dentist. Weeee. Such is our lives and its all as good as it can be. It is what it is.

Yeah, I changed it

So I changed the name of my blog. On a whim. I'm like that. Mostly I did it for Beth. Beth was my best friend for 26 years. She had a sign over her desk, for as long as I can remember, that said" One by one, the penguins steal my sanity". Her Mom put a modified version of that on the back of her tombstone. We all agreed it belonged there.

Damn. I miss her so much. Especially at this time of year, there are no Beth goodies, no something weird made with chocolate, no little tiny loaves of yummy sweet breads, no slice and bake cookies (which I hated but I ate them anyway because she made them), no puppy chow (another weird thing made with chocolate.) If it was chocolate Beth was into it. If it was Christmas Beth was into it. If it was a penguin Beth was into it.

So here's to Beth. Fair winds and following seas dearest friend.